gratitude

an exhilarating evening / people saying, as I left the theatre: a great show / my part is small, but, for me, scary ...

earlier in the week / spending a good part of the day in Edinburgh / while our car was receiving some TLC / I visited Old St Paul's (inspired by Richard Holloway's description of the place in Leaving Alexandria) / thankful / there is something deeply welcoming about the dark sanctuary / a refuge ...

stress

just over a week ago, I was aware that the stress I was experiencing at work had the potential to break me. during a sleepless night, I resolved that on Monday, I would make an appointment to see the doctor - I would ask to be signed off for the week - I would let my managers know - and suggest a radical change to my work situation.

on Saturday morning (coincidentally), I met a colleague in B & Q (as you do). during the day, my resolve weakened - if I could get through the week, I then had a week's annual leave, to look forward to.

by Monday, my sore throat was intensifying - I was coughing - coincidentally, the same colleague, also, was coughing. I worked through the day, discovering something, as I did so, that removed some of the pressure (to carry out a particular task), that particular week.

by Tuesday, my sore throat and cough were bad enough that I should stay at home. I emailed in. If anything, by Wednesday, my condition was worse. I was able to see a doctor, who prescribed antibiotics. Thankfully, things are now improving, but I have not been back to work. I still wasn't well enough, yesterday.

so - I've been off work four days - quite properly. I can return to work, a week on Monday - there will be some catching up to do - and some administrative procedures to follow. but, I've been thinking - if I'd followed the original plan - it would have been a big deal - there would have been significant repercussions - possibly, in the long run, a better outcome (I have no way of knowing).

I'm more psychologically broken than physically broken - the doctor's antibiotics are helping me back to physical health - it's a pity that psychological breakages are more difficult to fix ...

roller coaster

trying to achieve stability / these days, when every weekday is an uphill challenge, it's difficult to think back to a time when I was relaxed about going into work ...

much has changed / it could be argued that the job I used to do no longer exists / computing is now ubiquitous / a new generation has grown up, taking for granted the world wide web, personal computers, and smartphones / this old dinosaur hasn't been able to find a niche in the ecosystem / of incident management systems, content management systems, e-learning, and managed desktops ...

is it a coincidence that variants of the word 'managed' appear so often in that last sentence ...

spring

amazingly, it isn't cold, outside / we seem to have waited a long time for spring to arrive / and we said that we would appreciate it (all the more) when it came ...

there is still an awful darkness, though / thankfully, the weekend has come / and I have two days / during which I don't have to go into work / but it is difficult not to think about it / and I reckon that before Monday morning, I do need to spend some time working / if only to try to achieve a good start to the week ...

brightness outside / less so inside / difficult to make any decisions, that aren't obvious / tired ...

open plan

at work / moved office / previously, shared with 3 others / now, around 127 ...

writing about it isn't going to change anything / I need to keep on working / probably until I'm 66 / it feels like a nightmare ...

better / at the weekend / not to think about it / instead (it's nice to be blogging, even if nobody reads this) ...

I'm reading (among other books) Richard Holloway's "Looking in the Distance" / does he believe (in the traditional, Christian sense), or doesn't he? / is he pretending not to? / or, has he really jumped ship (to use his own metaphor) ...

difficult

the day between Good Friday and Easter Sunday is always (for me) a strange one / compounded this morning when my daily (bible) reading notes looked forward to the resurrection (for me (again), the prevailing emotion of this particular day requires that when resurrection arrives, it is unexpected) / so / we know (because we've read the book (or seen the movie) before) that there is going to be 'a happy ending') / the hero doesn't stay dead ...

why did he have to die? usually, in movies, the hero appears to have died, but then an eye opens, and we realise that he's ok (or heroine, and she's ok) / in this case, we seem to be sure that, in fact, Jesus was dead when they laid him in a tomb ...

there seems to be unhappiness nowadays with the notion that Jesus died for our sins (as we have been taught) / because it implies an angry God / we would prefer a different interpretation / which allows God, even as Jesus cried out on the cross / to be loving (by which we mean gentle, I guess) ...

not my problem / I don't presume to teach / but I'd like to make enough sense of the whole thing to go on living / if that isn't too much to ask ...

blue

a statement ...

clinging on / just ...