Originally uploaded by Glaswegian
In the National Museum of Scotland, the attraction being a ceilidh, which wife and daughter enjoyed while son and I explored the museum ...
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
Our daughter enjoys church, but our son doesn't. So I dropped my wife and daughter at the church, then took my son on a walk to the top of Kinnoull Hill. I'm attaching an old photo to this blog post; what this photo doesn't make entirely clear is that there is a sheer drop from the hilltop to the river valley below. My son nearly gave me a heart attack as he negotiated a muddy path just inches away from the edge.
I am absolutely convinced that these feelings are just feelings, and will never be translated into action. They are long standing feelings - it's nothing new - just that I've decided to name and shame them.
In Breathing Space, one of the resources my counsellor pointed me to, there is quoted a statement I've seen elsewhere, and which I have found helpful:
Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain.
And I suppose that I am learning to translate, "I want to kill myself," into something more manageable, along the lines of, "I am in a situation which I can't cope with - I need to detach myself," or, to be honest, frequently, "I'm dealing with a person who frightens me."
So, in fact, right now, I am still feeling much better, and more in control, than I have done for a long time. I am definitely in recovery, and need to keep on taking steps that will bring me to a more open place - the next step is to speak with the GP who signed me off for a week, to say what progress has been made, and to discuss what resources might be available to help me to continue to make progress. To be honest, to say that I am still looking for help, but that I have a better understanding what help I need, and that I can see a way forward.
And thanks for the hug!
I'm feeling suicidal. I don't think that there is any likelihood of my carrying that feeling through to action, but the feeling is there. And of course, it shouldn't be. Or, at least, we don't want it to be.
Part of the reason, I guess, is that my counselling sessions have finished. They have made a difference. Especially it has helped knowing that I have somebody to talk to. Somebody who will listen.
I haven't implemented any of the suggestions which my counsellor made in the last couple of sessions. There is something to be said for not trying them all at once. So, one at a time. First step, go back to my GP. Bring her up-to-date with what has been happening. Ask her to find out if there are resources - e.g. support groups - locally.
And be honest. I'm still struggling. I don't know if I'm going to make it.