Waves

My mother-in-law's house is right by the beach; wife wanted to go there yesterday, so son and I had some time on the beach. I'm not sure where the waves were coming from - the sea appeared to be otherwise calm. I thought that there had been a storm at sea, but in retrospect I guess that we may have been experiencing the wake of a fast cruise liner (if that's what it was) which we observed making its way out to sea. Son had a great time dodging the waves.

Later, we moved to the end of the beach where there is a pavilion, with concrete steps down to the sea. There, I wasn't so successful dodging the waves - I got soaked with the spray from a big one which I didn't see coming.

Just to apologise

... for the drama of the two preceding posts. I have issues which I'm working through - I'm sure if you met me, you'd think that I was a well-balanced, stable fellow, just that my blog is a place for me to let some of the darker aspects of me out - and I'm going to try to balance the picture with some brighter posts, honest ...

Follow up

I am absolutely convinced that these feelings are just feelings, and will never be translated into action. They are long standing feelings - it's nothing new - just that I've decided to name and shame them.

In Breathing Space, one of the resources my counsellor pointed me to, there is quoted a statement I've seen elsewhere, and which I have found helpful:

Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain.

And I suppose that I am learning to translate, "I want to kill myself," into something more manageable, along the lines of, "I am in a situation which I can't cope with - I need to detach myself," or, to be honest, frequently, "I'm dealing with a person who frightens me."

So, in fact, right now, I am still feeling much better, and more in control, than I have done for a long time. I am definitely in recovery, and need to keep on taking steps that will bring me to a more open place - the next step is to speak with the GP who signed me off for a week, to say what progress has been made, and to discuss what resources might be available to help me to continue to make progress. To be honest, to say that I am still looking for help, but that I have a better understanding what help I need, and that I can see a way forward.

And thanks for the hug!

Facing reality

I'm feeling suicidal. I don't think that there is any likelihood of my carrying that feeling through to action, but the feeling is there. And of course, it shouldn't be. Or, at least, we don't want it to be.

Part of the reason, I guess, is that my counselling sessions have finished. They have made a difference. Especially it has helped knowing that I have somebody to talk to. Somebody who will listen.

I haven't implemented any of the suggestions which my counsellor made in the last couple of sessions. There is something to be said for not trying them all at once. So, one at a time. First step, go back to my GP. Bring her up-to-date with what has been happening. Ask her to find out if there are resources - e.g. support groups - locally.

And be honest. I'm still struggling. I don't know if I'm going to make it.

It's been a while

This blog seems to have got lost.

I'm tired. Desperately tired. There's correspondence two months old on my desk waiting for attention; there's dishes to be washed; there's grass to be cut; there's a hedge to be trimmed; there are children to be fed.

Better start with the dishes.

sunset

sunset
Originally uploaded by orkantw8

- beautiful ...

Nimrod On Finals.

Nimrod On Finals.
Originally uploaded by stonefaction

Magnificent picture!

Too much

Too much
Originally uploaded by Glaswegian

Well, I have to be allowed to blog this ...

Last night wasn't too bad

We need to get into some sort of routine, and if it works better when I'm the one putting the children to bed, then that's OK; especially during the summer, when they don't have homework!

Dragging myself on

The morning was tough - trying to make even a little progress on some outstanding issues; I spent the afternoon on the desk; and now on my way home I have to fit in some shopping; eventually, at home, I'm going to have to get the children off to bed (perhaps not on my own, but if there are any problems, I'm the one who seems to have to sort them out).

Threatening storm

The sky is grey; it will soon be raining.

How do we know when a feeling of angst is justified, and when it should be brushed aside?

Not saying anything new

Just affirming that I am still here ...

A bit sad really

We have a family tradition - at the first 'bong' of midnight (31st December), we run to the back door of the house, and open it to let the old year out, then run to the front door, hopefully before the twelfth 'bong', to welcome in the new year. My thoughts concerning the old year, as it went, can be paraphrased as 'good riddance'.

I am encouraged that, as tractorgirl says - the way to heaven can sometimes be through a dung-covered field (I'm paraphrasing, again) - but, somehow, 2006 is going to be remembered as 'not being particularly happy'. Here's to 2007 (which didn't start awfully well - my son got locked in the toilet - thankfully, though, he managed to extricate himself).

Black-lined

Doesn't sound too good, but it is good news. To be black-lined is to be mapped across to the grade in the new system which is equivalent to your former grade in the old system (in the pay modernisation process we have just undergone). Colleagues (not in our team) have been red-circled (which means that their resulting grade is lower than their previous grade - effectively a pay cut, delayed for three years while they try to 'grow their jobs'). I believe that a (small) number of members of our team have been double green-circled (their new grade is two steps above their previous grade).

Shouldn't I be saying 'no'?

Uphill struggle - carrying too much weight - and I've been asked to do something else!

Still trying to get things done

Basically, overwhelmed. I don't want to procrastinate, but simple arithmetic dictates that not every task can be completed to-day. The old way was to keep on saying that the less urgent tasks can be done to-morrow, but then to-morrow comes around, and those delayed tasks are just waiting to bite me. Now, I'm trying to juggle the many tasks which are trying to grab my attention - and somehow select the next task to be tackled on the basis of some sort of priority rating (or just to choose a task which can be done for the sake of doing it, and ticking off one item from the list).

Gulping in air

I feel as if I have just come to the surface, and have a few moments to breathe in oxygen, before plunging back to the deep, to grapple with sea monsters.

New responsibilities are to be welcomed (even against the backdrop of continued uncertainty regarding the outcome of the pay modernisation process). And I'm trying to develop systems for coping with these new responsibilities. It isn't easy.

Getting things done

Greater responsibility means more pressure to get things done. Become interested in David Allen's philosophy. People describe his approach as 'bottom up', which appeals to me; I've always been (even when I didn't recognise it) a 'bottom up' sort of person. It's one of the axes in the Myers-Briggs personality indicator - Sensing would correspond with 'bottom up', while Intuition is more 'top down'.

So, I'm reading the book, and trying to put it into practice. And finding all sorts of interesting tools to help me. And trying to integrate these new ideas with the tools which I already have - Microsoft Outlook on my desktop PC, and iambic Agendus on my Palm. All the while having to actually get things done (split infinitive for emphasis).

Challenging.

Real work

I spent an hour (possibly more) this morning creating a print queue on the college server which we look after.

Not really a story - but it is good to be getting back into harness (and taking on new responsibilities).

What happened?

Apologies to anyone who has been reading this blog for the past few weeks, and is surprised at the disappearance of several posts. I woke up in the middle of Friday night, and thought what might happen if the wrong people saw some of what was written therein.

A daily blog is inevitably raw; if I write about what is happening to me now, then my feelings may still be running high. This is the value of an easily accessible medium - one may, in the traditional phrase, let off steam. It may also be a danger, however, if material composed in anger remains visible. Matters put behind one may be resurrected.

I intend (currently) to persevere nevertheless. The past weeks would have been less bearable without my daily attempts to write something down. I'm sorry that I could not retain the record, but I still think that Saturday's quick removal of the whole story was unavoidable.