when to stop

Yet again, by the end of the working week, my overriding feeling is despair. I can't seem to get anything right. That's not entirely true - I do, occasionally succeed - but seldom.

For many reasons, I expect to be working, full-time, until I'm 65, possibly 66. If I don't, there will be serious financial consequences. But, day after day, I want, desperately, to be able to call it a day (or, at the very least, to reduce my hours).

Thankfully, I've made it through to another weekend / I can down tools / lay aside one set of challenges / and give some attention to another / until the pendulum swings back / and Monday beckons, again ...

appearances

life, nowadays, is too complicated / maybe that's just the view of an aging aspie ...

damaged

on the face of it, the week went well / and here we are again / the weekend / my throat still hurts (but the doctor looked at it on Monday, and said that it should be OK) / we have a fun outing planned for to-day / to see Pirates of Penzance at the Festival Theatre (Edinburgh) ...

I'm weary / hoping that to-day will be stress-free / and to-morrow ...

finding God

Martyn Joseph, in Songs for the Coming Home sings that it is 'not a good time for God' / this week, the Church of Scotland tried to grasp the nettle of whether to allow a church to call a person in a gay relationship as their minister, and came up with what appears to be a fudge / or, to use another popular metaphor, they're trying to have their cake and eat it / not surprisingly, those strongly opposed to, and those strongly in favour of affirming the ministry of gay people aren't happy (based on a sample of two) / whether the compromise will win the support of ordinary members of this denomination remains to be seen ...

shockingly, this was the week a soldier was killed / on a UK street ...

I don't reckon, in comparison, that my own struggles count for much, but it was a relief, yesterday afternoon, to find some peace, sitting in the Memorial Chapel of Old St Paul's, Edinburgh ...

gratitude

an exhilarating evening / people saying, as I left the theatre: a great show / my part is small, but, for me, scary ...

earlier in the week / spending a good part of the day in Edinburgh / while our car was receiving some TLC / I visited Old St Paul's (inspired by Richard Holloway's description of the place in Leaving Alexandria) / thankful / there is something deeply welcoming about the dark sanctuary / a refuge ...

stress

just over a week ago, I was aware that the stress I was experiencing at work had the potential to break me. during a sleepless night, I resolved that on Monday, I would make an appointment to see the doctor - I would ask to be signed off for the week - I would let my managers know - and suggest a radical change to my work situation.

on Saturday morning (coincidentally), I met a colleague in B & Q (as you do). during the day, my resolve weakened - if I could get through the week, I then had a week's annual leave, to look forward to.

by Monday, my sore throat was intensifying - I was coughing - coincidentally, the same colleague, also, was coughing. I worked through the day, discovering something, as I did so, that removed some of the pressure (to carry out a particular task), that particular week.

by Tuesday, my sore throat and cough were bad enough that I should stay at home. I emailed in. If anything, by Wednesday, my condition was worse. I was able to see a doctor, who prescribed antibiotics. Thankfully, things are now improving, but I have not been back to work. I still wasn't well enough, yesterday.

so - I've been off work four days - quite properly. I can return to work, a week on Monday - there will be some catching up to do - and some administrative procedures to follow. but, I've been thinking - if I'd followed the original plan - it would have been a big deal - there would have been significant repercussions - possibly, in the long run, a better outcome (I have no way of knowing).

I'm more psychologically broken than physically broken - the doctor's antibiotics are helping me back to physical health - it's a pity that psychological breakages are more difficult to fix ...

roller coaster

trying to achieve stability / these days, when every weekday is an uphill challenge, it's difficult to think back to a time when I was relaxed about going into work ...

much has changed / it could be argued that the job I used to do no longer exists / computing is now ubiquitous / a new generation has grown up, taking for granted the world wide web, personal computers, and smartphones / this old dinosaur hasn't been able to find a niche in the ecosystem / of incident management systems, content management systems, e-learning, and managed desktops ...

is it a coincidence that variants of the word 'managed' appear so often in that last sentence ...

spring

amazingly, it isn't cold, outside / we seem to have waited a long time for spring to arrive / and we said that we would appreciate it (all the more) when it came ...

there is still an awful darkness, though / thankfully, the weekend has come / and I have two days / during which I don't have to go into work / but it is difficult not to think about it / and I reckon that before Monday morning, I do need to spend some time working / if only to try to achieve a good start to the week ...

brightness outside / less so inside / difficult to make any decisions, that aren't obvious / tired ...

open plan

at work / moved office / previously, shared with 3 others / now, around 127 ...

writing about it isn't going to change anything / I need to keep on working / probably until I'm 66 / it feels like a nightmare ...

better / at the weekend / not to think about it / instead (it's nice to be blogging, even if nobody reads this) ...

I'm reading (among other books) Richard Holloway's "Looking in the Distance" / does he believe (in the traditional, Christian sense), or doesn't he? / is he pretending not to? / or, has he really jumped ship (to use his own metaphor) ...

difficult

the day between Good Friday and Easter Sunday is always (for me) a strange one / compounded this morning when my daily (bible) reading notes looked forward to the resurrection (for me (again), the prevailing emotion of this particular day requires that when resurrection arrives, it is unexpected) / so / we know (because we've read the book (or seen the movie) before) that there is going to be 'a happy ending') / the hero doesn't stay dead ...

why did he have to die? usually, in movies, the hero appears to have died, but then an eye opens, and we realise that he's ok (or heroine, and she's ok) / in this case, we seem to be sure that, in fact, Jesus was dead when they laid him in a tomb ...

there seems to be unhappiness nowadays with the notion that Jesus died for our sins (as we have been taught) / because it implies an angry God / we would prefer a different interpretation / which allows God, even as Jesus cried out on the cross / to be loving (by which we mean gentle, I guess) ...

not my problem / I don't presume to teach / but I'd like to make enough sense of the whole thing to go on living / if that isn't too much to ask ...

blue

a statement ...

clinging on / just ...

actually

a good day / cut lots of grass / not too short, because this should be the last cut before the winter, and I'm sure that the grass does better if it hasn't been traumatised ...

powerful music

not my usual Sunday blogging haunt, but just to say that on Friday I was privileged to attend an event at Coda in Edinburgh / Karine Polwart has brought out a new CD, and was singing some songs / we were packed in like sardines / it was live music, in every sense ...

shopping

has to be done ...

pondering

fear, and faith / fear is unavoidable, natural / faith would seem to drive out fear / or is that a myth / david, facing goliath had faith in God, he also had a pretty good idea of what he was going to do, and would have been confident of his own ability to carry out his plan / you might almost say that his faith in God was incidental / in complete contrast to the situation some of us find ourselves in / we don't have a plan, we don't believe that we are capable, yet we are told to have faith in God ...

friday

one working day, then the weekend ...

nothing changes

for the better ...

it's wrong

I have Asperger's, I have difficulty socialising / but that's no reason to leave me on my own trying to do a job which requires (at least) two people ...

back to work

with a plan, if it goes pear shaped ...

demob happy

a whole week off / coming up ...

why

don't I just say that this is unacceptable / I'm being routinely left on my own to do a job which requires at least two people (it isn't just about the number of calls, it's about the fact that some of them are urgent, some require planning, most involve people who are for some reason upset) ...

downtime

really would have preferred not to be working to-day / but there would then be nobody in that office ...

lurgy

no longer struggling into work - let's see if a day at home helps ...

here

I didn't want to provoke a crisis / better (maybe) to be under par, but working, than to be at home, and to have twice as much to do to-morrow ...

sick

if I'm not better than this by to-morrow morning, then I shan't be going into work / even though there was only going to be the one of me there ...

eScape

it's tempting to contemplate a computer free weekend, but hardly practical, when calendars, timetables, bank accounts, and communication all seem to require internet access ...

crisis

if what I've planned (for to-day) is successful, we move on / if not, I simply don't know what happens ...

frightened

moved towards a couple of resolutions, yesterday, but still there's an underlying fear ...

trying out

uBuntu ...

organisation

even where the desk is almost bare, apart from a computer, need to do preliminary work before I can start being productive ...

breathing space

it may not be possible, but it is required ...

psalm 104:1a

bless the Lord, o my soul ...

friDay

the only difference, I guess, being that whatever challenges we face to-day can be laid aside for two days, subsequently ...

breakfast

a cooked breakfast in a canteen / a luxury, I guess / helps to start the day ...

longevity

at least, blogger is still here (was that a dangerous thing to say?) ...

change of place

induces tiredness ...

positivism

can't do this ...

my thanks

especially to ian / got through the day (though next week should be busy, helping all of the people who kindly cut me some slack) / and appreciated some downtime to-day ...

likelihood

of breaking down to-day is pretty high ...

jabber

hope

that in crises, God will resource ...

fragile

vulnerable, coping, so far ...

uncomfortable fame

a suspicious death in the town where I live ...

that was yesterday

if anything, to-day promises to be worse ...

tired, angry

but with no options ...

infrequent

weary

always being challenged / good, in some ways ...

triumph

just saying / musical youth's 'wizard of oz' was excellent ...

justice

where to start ...

taxi

driver ...

doing battle

with malware (I guess, that deciding to rebuild the computer is a sign of losing) ...

missed a day

ah well (but have managed to stay away from flickr) ...

fasting

may give up flickr for Lent ...

worry

endemic ...

ironic

to be missing church in order to do homework / the topic: a piece explaining one's admiration for Eric Liddell, who refused to take part in a race whose heats were to take place on a Sunday ...

bright

and to some, beautiful ...

bye, spot

a cafe where I work is closing ...

tears

no / anyone looking at me would think that I'm fine (as they say) ...

silence

can be comforting, or it can be threatening ...

when

the University suggests that we leave our cars at home, are they willing to absorb the extra 2 hours of travelling time per day ...

shaky

hit a horrible emotional low this morning (probably a combination of loneliness, and trying to get to grips with work again) ...

but

I don't see how yet another blog is the answer ...

whether

to stick with this blog ...

breakfast

something to look forward to ...

sore

flu, I reckon ...

positive

tempted to describe to-day negatively - ie not at work / but, positively, I'm taking the family to the dentist (which is a chore) ...

detachment

shan't be at work to-morrow / makes to-day an odd sort of day ...

people not saying what they mean

could we have an update / means / why haven't you fixed it ...

(I could spend my whole time updating people, instead of trying to fix problems)

dreich

actually, given the forecast, quite pleasant, really ...

reflecting

on stress at work / how much is self-imposed ...

on the other hand

'it seemed like a good idea at the time' isn't a good basis for taking a significant (and probably irrevocable) decision ...

scared

but, for once, the change I'm contemplating carries many positives ...

cold

doesn't encourage the getting up process ...

catch 22

what do other (working) parents do ...

coaling plant

I think that's what it's called ...

highs and lows

yesterday evening, I felt quite good / I felt that I'd kept going when the going was difficult, and won through / this morning, I'm right back down in the trough, again ...

grown men

don't cry ...

music at lunchtime

it's a lovely idea, but it doesn't work if one is generally stressed (this is in a work context) / which is a pity, because music generally helps to reduce stress / but not when attending a concert is stressful ...

[I think that what I'm trying to say is: attending a concert is beneficial, but (possibly because I have asperger's) the process of attending the concert may be stressful; so, when I am already stressed, I may not be capable of taking on the additional stress of attending the concert, even though the overall result may be an improvement in my mood (but not necessarily, if I'm too stressed about trying to attend a concert in the middle of my working day)]

quiet

for now ...

terrified

like walking a tightrope ...

how many times am I going to have to say this

I could be ready to leave within half an hour, and be at work an hour (or more) before 9 o'clock / so, if my conscience is making me feel guilty about, eventually, arriving at my desk well after 9 o'clock / there is nothing that I can do about it ...

darkness

no choice but to take my time / have to take my son to breakfast club ...

rationing

chocolate ...

why

doesn't God answer ...

publicity

a recently received email has reminded me that I often make public stuff which some people keep private / I do it carefully, hiding identities, locations (generally) / on the other hand, reading other people's blog posts, I realise how much I gain by their willingness to publish stuff / I guess that it is partly to do with personality / I'm not sufficiently skilled at relationships to share effectively with individuals, so I make the information generally available / if someone picks it up sympathetically, that's great ...

triggers

perhaps I need to be more aware of what causes me to cease to be the calm, capable person I was last Thursday, and become the panic stricken person I am now ...

update

a modern word / but there are always (at least) two sides ...

not simple

the language used in church seems to imply that God is in control / that the individual worshipper has peace because he or she trusts in an all-powerful God / but the reality appears to be different / our lives are impacted by people and organisations which do not bow to this all-powerful God / and we just have to do what we can ...

between

cooking and eating tea, and doing the dishes #rocknroll ...

waiting game

better to be patient, or to make a fuss ...

victor hugo

peaceful - good / anxious - not so good ...

alive

but stuck / in a job which I can't do ...

sunshine

but to-morrow / the sun may shine / the bottom line is: I have to work / and I don't think that alternative employment is an option ...

feeling broken

and depending on the Royal Mail ...

the last day

of the holiday (I'm off on monDay, but that's to cover an in-service day) ...

not

coping ...

burdensome

I'm still the one who has to make things happen ...

too many brussels sprouts

is it worth it

the wife wants to visit gullane (beach) / the son wants to stay at home ...

so

it's 2012 (has to be better than 2011) ...