A bit sad really

We have a family tradition - at the first 'bong' of midnight (31st December), we run to the back door of the house, and open it to let the old year out, then run to the front door, hopefully before the twelfth 'bong', to welcome in the new year. My thoughts concerning the old year, as it went, can be paraphrased as 'good riddance'.

I am encouraged that, as tractorgirl says - the way to heaven can sometimes be through a dung-covered field (I'm paraphrasing, again) - but, somehow, 2006 is going to be remembered as 'not being particularly happy'. Here's to 2007 (which didn't start awfully well - my son got locked in the toilet - thankfully, though, he managed to extricate himself).

Black-lined

Doesn't sound too good, but it is good news. To be black-lined is to be mapped across to the grade in the new system which is equivalent to your former grade in the old system (in the pay modernisation process we have just undergone). Colleagues (not in our team) have been red-circled (which means that their resulting grade is lower than their previous grade - effectively a pay cut, delayed for three years while they try to 'grow their jobs'). I believe that a (small) number of members of our team have been double green-circled (their new grade is two steps above their previous grade).

Shouldn't I be saying 'no'?

Uphill struggle - carrying too much weight - and I've been asked to do something else!

Still trying to get things done

Basically, overwhelmed. I don't want to procrastinate, but simple arithmetic dictates that not every task can be completed to-day. The old way was to keep on saying that the less urgent tasks can be done to-morrow, but then to-morrow comes around, and those delayed tasks are just waiting to bite me. Now, I'm trying to juggle the many tasks which are trying to grab my attention - and somehow select the next task to be tackled on the basis of some sort of priority rating (or just to choose a task which can be done for the sake of doing it, and ticking off one item from the list).

Gulping in air

I feel as if I have just come to the surface, and have a few moments to breathe in oxygen, before plunging back to the deep, to grapple with sea monsters.

New responsibilities are to be welcomed (even against the backdrop of continued uncertainty regarding the outcome of the pay modernisation process). And I'm trying to develop systems for coping with these new responsibilities. It isn't easy.

Getting things done

Greater responsibility means more pressure to get things done. Become interested in David Allen's philosophy. People describe his approach as 'bottom up', which appeals to me; I've always been (even when I didn't recognise it) a 'bottom up' sort of person. It's one of the axes in the Myers-Briggs personality indicator - Sensing would correspond with 'bottom up', while Intuition is more 'top down'.

So, I'm reading the book, and trying to put it into practice. And finding all sorts of interesting tools to help me. And trying to integrate these new ideas with the tools which I already have - Microsoft Outlook on my desktop PC, and iambic Agendus on my Palm. All the while having to actually get things done (split infinitive for emphasis).

Challenging.

Real work

I spent an hour (possibly more) this morning creating a print queue on the college server which we look after.

Not really a story - but it is good to be getting back into harness (and taking on new responsibilities).

What happened?

Apologies to anyone who has been reading this blog for the past few weeks, and is surprised at the disappearance of several posts. I woke up in the middle of Friday night, and thought what might happen if the wrong people saw some of what was written therein.

A daily blog is inevitably raw; if I write about what is happening to me now, then my feelings may still be running high. This is the value of an easily accessible medium - one may, in the traditional phrase, let off steam. It may also be a danger, however, if material composed in anger remains visible. Matters put behind one may be resurrected.

I intend (currently) to persevere nevertheless. The past weeks would have been less bearable without my daily attempts to write something down. I'm sorry that I could not retain the record, but I still think that Saturday's quick removal of the whole story was unavoidable.

Carpe diem

Once, Jesus had the opportunity to heal a man on the sabbath, but was opposed by some pharisees. He could have said to the man, "Come and see me to-morrow." Surely it wouldn't have made a huge difference to the man, and would have kept happy those who wished to defend the sabbath. But, of course, he didn't.

Holiness

Jim Packer, in Keep in Step with the Spirit, mischievously comments that there exists no contemporary account of holiness, so he will perforce write his own. He begins by suggesting that the New Testament view of holiness has two components - the idea of being set apart, and the idea of being morally pure. Coincidentally, I read this passage from Matthew's gospel this morning (Matthew 10:34-39 Msg):

"Don't think I've come to make life cozy. I've come to cut—make a sharp knife-cut between son and father, daughter and mother, bride and mother-in-law—cut through these cozy domestic arrangements and free you for God. Well-meaning family members can be your worst enemies. If you prefer father or mother over me, you don't deserve me. If you prefer son or daughter over me, you don't deserve me.
"If you don't go all the way with me, through thick and thin, you don't deserve me. If your first concern is to look after yourself, you'll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you'll find both yourself and me.

I've always found Jesus' statement disturbing. Is he against families? Jim Packer proposes a paradox: the detachment implied by our being set apart for God enables us to be more loving towards family members, neighbours, friends, etc. Possibly. There is a state called codependency which is regarded as unhealthy; maybe if we are firmly dependent upon God, we can be more real towards our fellow human beings.

Still struggling

This weekend, I wondered if the troubles of the past week might have been a punishment for my less than enthusiastic response to Awakening UK. I was challenged by what happened to the official who responded to Elisha's prophecy of deliverance thus (2 Kings 7:2 Msg):

The attendant on whom the king leaned for support said to the Holy Man, "You expect us to believe that? Trapdoors opening in the sky and food tumbling out?"

to which Elisha responded:

"You'll watch it with your own eyes," he said, "but you will not eat so much as a mouthful!"

There doesn't seem to be a place in the Christian life for honest scepticism (which is what I thought that I was expressing).

Drawing lines in the sand

How do we move forward? Something unfortunate has happened. Maybe it was avoidable; maybe it wasn't. There is a certain amount of anger in the air - maybe on both sides. There have been problems - nagging problems, which I haven't been able to solve - whose presence may have contributed to this particular conflagration.

Who was to blame? Am I (to some degree) at fault? Do I need to change? Do other people need to change (recognising that whatever I think, it is they who must decide the direction of their lives, and how they live them)? Does the situation need to change?

How do I move forward? If I withdraw, behave more coolly, what will be the consequences? What, exactly, does forgiveness mean in this situation?

Is a more radical departure called for? Should I be seriously looking for another job? In the same instituion, or elsewhere?

Betrayal

Psalm 55:12-14 (Msg)

This isn't the neighborhood bully
mocking me—I could take that.
This isn't a foreign devil spitting
invective—I could tune that out.
It's you! We grew up together!
You! My best friend!
Those long hours of leisure as we walked
arm in arm, God a third party to our conversation.

Just possibly

This will get through ... How quickly we unlearn things! It's probably less than a month since I last wrote in Graffiti 1 (Palm's original writing system) and already it feels 'wrong'. Is new always better?

Depth

Was at Awakening 2006 at the weekend. What was it? A concert? A service? A worship event (whatever that is)? I was disappointed. The weather was awful (a not improbable circumstance in this country). My wife did find value in Ruth Graham's testimony. And, yes, it was OK; just that, basically, she and Mark Stibbe told us of occasions when God met with them. Great! I'm happy for them. But why did I stand in the pouring rain? I wouldn't have minded a meeting with God.

If I want to meet with God, I find a quiet corner, open a bible (which usually means, start up a bible reader on my PDA), read, and pray. Crowds do not help.

I should say, though, that the highlight of the afternoon was definitely the session by Ian White and High Voltage. I probably shouldn't be singling out any one performer for praise, but the assurance of the 11 year old drummer (Harrison White) was truly amazing.

Where are we?

There is a verse which has always (since I first heard it (or, rather, sang it) in Ralph Vaughan Williams' Dona Nobis Pacem) had a certain resonance for me:

Jeremiah 8:20: The harvest is past, the summer is ended, and we are not saved.

(I have linked to The Message, and quoted from The Authorised Version.)

Here in the UK, we are definitely sensing that the summer is over. There is a chill in the air, leaves are changing colour. Soon, we'll be getting up in darkness, eventually getting home from work in darkness. The verse doesn't bite the way it used to. Then I was lamenting my singleness; now I have a family - that makes a huge difference. Life is difficult, but I don't feel, as I did then, that it lacks purpose.

There, I started with a doleful verse, and I seem to have cheered myself up!

Energy

I have a son, who is 6 years old; he has plenty of energy, which he doesn't always expend in the most constructive of ways. But, of course, he is my son, and I love him.

I thought that I'd have a look in the Bible for places where God's relationship with us is likened to that of a parent's with his (or her) child. And since I've been reading recently through the book of Malachi, that's where I started. And I came across Malachi 3:17. God says, "I treat them with the same consideration and kindness that parents give the child who honors them." Not quite the unconditional love that some speak of. We should expect respect from our children (seeking, of course, at all times to deserve it).

Conflict

For various reasons, I've been thinking about conflict - and how to resolve conflicts. I'm not considering deep-seated enmity, rather how people who love each other, but differ on how to tackle a certain problem area, can find common ground, and move forward. But as a commentary on how even long standing disputes can sometimes be ended by the application of kindness, here is the happy ending to a story from the Old Testament (preached on by our minister just yesterday), (quoting 2 Kings 6:23 (Msg), but the link takes you to the whole story):

So he prepared a huge feast for them. After they ate and drank their fill he dismissed them. Then they returned home to their master. The raiding bands of Aram didn't bother Israel anymore.

Law and Grace

Just been reading a poem by Iain Crichton Smith, entitled The Law and the Grace. It makes me think of how the Scots do religion - the minister in his black gown - a sense that God is frowning.

Does God sometimes smile? But is it always through the gloom and the rain?

First love

When John warns the Ephesians that - you walked away from your first love - I have had a picture of someone whose initial enthusiasm for the faith has worn off - the honeymoon period is over. But I learnt this morning that most scholars believe that the love referred to is for one another - that the members of this church no longer love each other as they used to.

Love for God, love for Jesus, love for my brothers and sisters in the faith - all, of course, are interlinked. And feelings do rise and fall. Also, initial impressions don't always last. I find myself coming back to the need to think of love, not as an emotion, but as determination - to go on loving - to go on desiring the best for the beloved.

But what about realism? What about discovering that the effusive welcome one received when one joined a particular church doesn't go deep? What about common sense?