ten years

I guess that I haven't made much sense / and it's time to call it a day ...

Jacob and Esau

where to begin / Jacob I loved, Esau I hated / those who talk about the love of God / who say / as if it were axiomatic / that God loves them / I guess / that they simply ignore / wherever in the bible / this uncomfortable phrase / is to be found ...

those old demons

I guess that you learn whom you can trust. And I know that I can trust Kirsty mcGee - her recent album, Contraband sustained me through a difficult year. And so I eagerly anticipated the new album, Those Old Demons. And it does not disappoint.

My response to music is personal, and you'll have to look elsewhere for a considered review. What I would like to ( try to ) say is this. In this world there is darkness. All kinds of darkness - you don't need me to tell you that. Even, as we look inwards, we see darkness ( some light, hopefully, but we can't deny the patches of shadow ). And I value music that takes on the darkness.

A personal observation. My first thought, on hearing the first song in this album was: this reminds of me of westerns ( the movie genre ). I'm not expert enough to know if this thought was valid, but it's a good enough starting point. You don't defeat the baddies by staying aloof. You get in there. Of course, as a cowboy, eventually, you start shooting. But you have to rub shoulders.

So. We're into advent. Whatever your perspective, this is the time of year when it looks like the darkness is winning. Of course, we know that Christmas is coming. The tide will turn, and the days will start to lengthen, again. Till then, you could do far worse than to buy this album, and find a companion who knows the terrain, and how to roll with the punches ...

again, hope

another rainbow:

hope

during this week / I've read the story of Noah / and the ark, and his family, and the animals / which is usually perceived / as hopeful: a fresh start, for a damaged world / although the events described / were catastrophic ...

to-day / two colleagues are getting married / for everyone / a sign of hope / of a bright future ...

and / on my way home, yesterday, I saw:

texture

autumnal / somehow / trying / to keep the show on the road ...

politics

everyone is involved, now / but I've never liked politics / why can't people just try to work out / what's best for everyone / instead of / arguing / being selfish / lying ...

Scotland remains part of the UK / which must, in some ways, be a good thing / especially for someone with both Scottish and English parents / let's just leave it at that, for now ...

the wrong way round

the plan was to find somewhere to park the car in East Linton / and then to walk along the riverside path to Hailes Castle / where we would eat our (packed) lunches, have a look round / and then return // but we drove through East Linton / then found ourselves on the road to Hailes Castle / where we parked (the car) / and set off towards East Linton ...

the positive outcome of this inversion was that we had ice creams in East Linton / and still managed to have a look round the castle when we returned to where we had parked (the car) / there were swans in the river, by the castle:

desolate

no words / just (yet) another picture:

menace

especially when the dog has been chewing a branch, and gets a piece stuck between her teeth - I'm recovering now (hopefully), from a bout of upset tummy - probably viral ...

will this ever end

another week of crisis management (or mismanagement) at work / and having to force myself, over the weekend, not to think about the stuff (pretty serious) which is unresolved / it's been five years, now (more or less) / I do question, sometimes, whether this life is worth living ...

team Fudge

looking thoughtful ...

the road ahead

the Herring Road, from Dunbar to Lauder ...

Gideon

I've been reading the (Old Testament) story of Gideon (with the help of notes provided by the Bible Reading Fellowship). It's been a strange experience, because parts of the story are familiar (to anyone who has been to Sunday School, I guess). The business of Gideon setting off with an army, and then being told by God that he has too many soldiers, is quite fun, in a way. You can imagine Gideon's dismay, when he ends up with just 300 men (those who want to fight, and who use their hands when drinking water).

Of course, it's exciting, when they surprise the Midianites, with trumpets and torches. And you sort of get the point - that God (presumably) is making. The victory is his, not theirs.

But there are complexities. Gideon has an argument with the Ephraimites. Then, when the men of Sukkoth are too scared of the Midianites to feed him and his troops, he returns, and takes vengeance (according to the notes - we were spared the actual reading, at this point). And then Gideon makes a golden ephod - of which the writer of Judges clearly disapproves.

The Sunday School stories depict Gideon as a hero (an unlikely, hesitant hero, admittedly). But overall, the bible story has elements of tragedy. Gideon has his day of glory, and seems to try quite hard subsequently, but doesn't quite get it right, sadly. Should we make more of an effort, when teaching the children, to describe the whole person, warts and all?

Perhaps those of us who stumble through life, and get things wrong more often than we get them right, would be reassured. Gideon does get a mention in the famous chapter of Hebrews which lists people of faith, whom we should admire ...

daring

nowadays, people think nothing of taking photos / looking straight towards the sun / can it damage the camera? this was as close as I dared, yesterday evening:

beleaguered

first week (not a full week, actually) back at work / a shock to the system ...

looking to spend the weekend recovering / still need to do stuff / prioritise ...

me and my girl

towards the end of the show, Sir John says (of Sally): I think she's got it! a reference to another musical which also features a young lady transformed - there's a strong indication, in fact, that the same teacher is responsible. After 3 performances, I may, just about, be 'getting it'. Why should a 21st century audience care about a Cockney lad who finds out that he's an aristocrat? a duchess who is determined to groom him (and doesn't care about the collateral damage to the most important relationship in his life) ...

What about an ancient family member? deaf, hobbling around with a stick (miraculously cured, for the curtain calls) ...

It helps to be among performers who have star quality / to be ably directed (and choreographed) / to have musicians who swing / to rely on the people who set up the stage, look after the props, prompt, manage costumes / and the Brunton Theatre is one of my favourite venues ...

the story features faithful love / people being true to themselves / a rather touching, unexpected love story / and a sly old gentleman who may not be quite as rickety as he appears ...

eh

it's not (just) what you say / it's when you say it. three weeks to-day (hopefully), I shall have three performances under my belt, and one to go / as Sir Jasper / elderly (and somewhat deaf) nobleman / a minor character / in 'me and my girl' ...

it doesn't help that to-day I have a bit of a cold / still anxious about work / anxious about most things, actually / including the cbt sessions that are to help me deal with my anxiety ...

why do people (like to) argue ...

self care

another tough week / worked hard / we're in better shape than we were this time last week ...

important, I think, at the weekend / to incorporate some self care / doing stuff which is inherently relaxing ...

battle

Jesus told a story / about a man / from whom a demon was cast out / but who, sadly, ended up hosting seven demons ...

This past fortnight, I have had the privilege of following a series of bible readings, with notes by Rachel Boulding, inspired by the life, sermons, and poetry of John Donne. Under God, coincidentally, a fierce battle has been raging / it has been either, or ...

For better or for worse / I believe that the battle is over / and has been won (time will tell) / and, inevitably, there has to be a mopping up / a new world / the demon is cast out / and neither he nor his friends / are welcome, any more ...

I should try to get to know Donne's poetry better / it would have been nice to have ended this post with a quote / instead, as an alter ego has said:

to win, at least, to survive ...

successes and failures

I probably tend to dwell more upon failures / than I remember succeeding ...

Just an observation / possibly to stimulate some (constructive) thinking ...

loneliness

What happens if you say to a psychologist: I think that the primary problem is not stress, it's loneliness. How can you be lonely in a room full of a hundred or more people?

Having Asperger's Syndrome (or something that in some respects looks like Asperger's Syndrome), my answer would be along the lines of: Communication! but it's more than that. I suspect that people generally find it difficult to relate to one hundred people at once. That the occasional unfriendliness I encounter is just overload. And that I, also, need to adapt. My first response was to live in a bubble. To shut out the noise.

Or to run away - but that isn't allowed. And I do have conversations. Good, interesting conversations.

Over lunch, generally, I read. Somehow, the books that have landed on my in-tray are challenging: The Street Bible (now called Word on the Street, I believe), by Rob Lacey; One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest, by Ken Kesey (which I've paused, having reached the end of a chapter - it doesn't help that I've seen the film, which doesn't exactly have a happy ending); and, currently: unApologetic, by Francis Spufford ...

changing the script

of course, the script is there to be adhered to / I've just been handed a script for 'me and my girl', as I shall be playing the part of Sir Jasper in a production taking place in May / and no-one would thank me if I decided, instead, to improvise ...

when I started to work in what we then called computing support / we had to improvise / there wasn't a script / nowadays, still having to improvise / or to follow a script which has been cobbled together / and is not supported by the software supplier / or, to be honest, sometimes resenting having to follow a script which has been devised by somebody else / and which doesn't appear to me to be the most effective, appropriate, or efficient way to deal with the situation / I would welcome a clear, well-documented, official script / offering reassurance ...

but not every script is helpful / our brains, naturally, develop habits / ways of coping / and it can be difficult to develop new, better ways ...

mindfulness

have been advised by a psychologist to practise mindfulness / at the same time, my bible reading notes are focusing on contemplative prayer / are these two sides of the same coin ...

being mindful (as I understand it) / involves quietness / awareness (of breathing, particularly) ...

contemplation (for me) / is actually more difficult to grasp / it depends on God playing ball (as it were) / being there / showing up ...

are we thinking about readiness? respecting God's timing / his initiative ...

challenge

we are agreed (I think) that one of my coping methods (it doesn't deserve to be called a strategy) is unacceptable. and that the approach of Lent makes this a good time to stop.

it's hard, because change requires effort, and where am I going to find the resource?

there and back

a family celebration (we took Sapphire / she had to wait inside while we got the car ready) / 120 mile round trip / there, we had a nice walk, and a nice meal / on the way back, we encountered the snow, and roadworks, and traffic ...

update

it's always chilling (in a bad way), to see the words: could we have an update, please? in a work communication / it always implies that the sender is less than happy with perceived progress / and I quite enjoyed replying to one of these messages recently with: yes, I sent you an email a week ago (haven't you read it?) ...

as the light returns / and the evident untidiness of the garden becomes more difficult to ignore / it seems to be, mostly, business as usual / and I'm trying, with the help of a psychologist / to be more positive about that status. it's always difficult to meet with people, roughly contemporary with me / who have somehow managed to retire, either fully or partially. I can't help feeling envious. As another birthday approaches, my best estimate of time to retirement is six years / which is far too long to be counting days ...

the old adage / a day at a time / usually helps / whether the source is Jesus, or Dale Carnegie / we've been designed, it appears, to inhabit the 18 hours or so between getting up and going to bed / to make each cycle a story / which makes it especially pleasant to be welcoming a new blog - the bad day blog - by (I hope that she doesn't mind me calling her a) seasoned blogger, Josie George / looking forward to hearing from someone who can aim for 'a bloody good bad day' ...

information

our puppy (now around 7 months old) is a border terrier / we love her to bits (obviously) / the cats aren't so sure ...

what the MRI scan (of my brain) showed is 'a small lacunar infarct' / I have been told that it indicates that I have had a (small) stroke / they can't say when / I'm seeing my GP in a couple of weeks' time, for a chat ...

first week back at work has been challenging (to say the least) / quite important, I think, having reached the weekend / not to think too much about it until I have to ...

bleak midwinter

Christmas is a receding memory / the credit card bill is a present reality / a recent brain scan has shown that part of my brain is damaged / back to work on Monday ...