How naive!

I thought that having paid Scottish Gas for plumbing and drains cover I could ask them to come and fix a dripping tap, but no, I was wrong, and have been advised by the lady who answered the phone that I should fix it myself.

Two doctors for the price of one

Not actually, of course - I realise that we in this country are incredibly fortunate that we can go to see the doctor without having to think how much it will cost. But in the course of to-day, I have seen two doctors.

The first doctor was a community health practitioner; our daughter has a yearly appointment. I suspect that the person doing the job stays in post for just one year, because we have never seen the same doctor two years running. I was surprised on this occasion that the lady was not as young (shall we say) as those we are accustomed to. I have always assumed that this role tends to be filled by a junior doctor on his or her way to better things. We had a reasonably constructive time. At one point we were asked whether our daughter sees any hospital doctors, and took great pleasure in reeling off a list of the consultants she sees regularly.

This afternoon, I saw a doctor about me. I've been particularly anxious about this consultation, as I am hoping that it could be the start of finding some much needed help. As the doctor this afternoon repeatedly reminded me, I have a history of what would probably be classed as mental illness. Indeed, on one occasion I was 'admitted under section', which means, basically, that I was locked up in a psychiatric hospital whether I liked it or not. Recently, I have begun to wonder if the root cause of my problems could be something called Asperger's Syndrome, an Autistic Spectrum Disorder which, to be fair on those treating me in the seventies and eighties has, I gather, only been widely known about for the past twenty years.

The outcome of the session was that I have been referred to a psychiatrist. My GP told me to be patient, by which I guess that he was letting me know that I might have a while to wait.

I nearly forgot

To write an entry for to-day. To-morrow will be a significant day, one way or another. I'm seeing my GP (general practitioner - i.e. doctor) about something which I've been thinking a lot about over the past week or so.

A blank sheet of paper

A grey day, but not a bad one ... a rainy Sunday afternoon (only it wasn't all that rainy) ... a chance to make some progress on a doll's house which my daughter and I are putting together ...

How (not) to say 'no'

Why do supermarkets sell DVDs? It's a kind of modern minefield. You go out, the kids tagging along, to do the weekly grocery shop, and your child asks - since we're going to Tesco, can we buy 'Fantastic Four - the Rise of the Silver Surfer'? (I thought that I was a silver surfer ...) You say - no, not this time - and, lo, you have an extremely distressed child.

Three cheers for Pudsey!

This evening, we have the charityfest known as Children in Need

Scraping the barrel

It's nearly bedtime, and I have nothing to write.

Drudgery

I really can't think of anything interesting to write about to-day. Unless you want to know how I surfed the buses to work and home again; or how I dealt with work to-day.

My wife is out seeing our children's teachers. Hopefully, the feedback will be good; although our son has recently sent me a couple of text messages to say that he doesn't like school. He's just 7 years old. I'm at home with the children; they're watching a video of Toy Story 2.

A do-it-yourself breakfast

This morning, I had breakfast in Asda Walmart. I continue to be amused at what they do if you want a sausage roll and a coffee. They ask you to pick up a roll, still wrapped in cellophane. They give you two sausages on a plate. At the checkout, you pick up two packets of butter, and an empty mug. Having paid, you take the mug to the coffee machine, and pour yourself a coffee. It's just that in other places, what you get at the checkout is a sausage roll and a coffee.

I can only guess that they have calculated the saving in making the customer do the work, and have decided that it is worth their while.

A possible diagnosis

To-day, I made a discovery - or it could be my imagination. Unfortunately, until I am a bit clearer in my own mind, I can't say very much.

Confronting the darkness

To-day, of course, was Remembrance Day. Our girl is in the Girl Guides, and our boy is in the Beavers. Both were parading this day - a day which, thankfully, was bright and clear, made bitterly cold by a north wind. There was a short service to accompany the laying of wreaths at the war memorial, and then we proceeded to the parish church, which is the church that we normally go to (except that normally our son doesn't want to go, so one of us stays at home with him while the other goes with our daughter to church).

I observed the words on the lectern fall as we waited for people to file out of church. It was something like 'light in the darkness', and there was a bible reference, possibly 1 John 1:6. I feel that there is a lot of darkness surrounding us these days, so much darkness that the light struggles to survive. Perhaps I should take heart, though, from this morning's self portrait, taken as I faced the morning light. And remember, from the bible, John 1:5 (ESV):

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

Not enough hours in the day

I did get more sleep than I would normally have done; but to-day I have worn myself out just trying to catch up with stuff on my desk. I've felt that I'm not doing the right thing by my son, who has been at home with me for most of the day, but this stuff - bills, accounts, correspondence - has to be dealt with.

And I've just found out that our mobile phone provider has been overcharging my wife - at least that's how it looks.

No, I really am tired

And I'm going to bed; whether I get any peace remains to be seen ...

I'm so tired

I'm losing it.

Somehow it all worked

I was at work for 9:00 this morning - everybody pulled together, and I managed to catch an earlier bus; then my colleague for whom I'd covered this morning gave me a lift home - sadly, we saw the aftermath of an accident, which had occurred on the road he would have taken if he'd been going straight home, instead of giving me a lift.

Sorry to harp on

I'm desperately tired - I would go to bed now (20:10 GMT), but our daughter is still out at her club, won't be back until nearer 21:00 - and then we have to persuade those who don't want to go straight to bed that they should.

It seems never ending

Work was hard, mainly because of the after effects of yet another tiring week-end; and I've just spent some time helping my daughter with her homework - which I'm happy to do, but I just wish I wasn't so tired.

More driving

To-day, I drove to my mum's and back - a round trip of around 80 miles. My mother has just moved house - from a medium-sized house to which she and my father moved when he retired, to a smaller house, more suited to one, elderly person. So there is sadness, but I think that what my mother wanted to make to-day was a positive statement, as she and my brother and I had lunch in a local restaurant, that she is making a fresh start. The house is one of a group of sheltered houses - it's peaceful; there is a community; there is the support of a warden. And it's right next to the river, with a pleasing view out the back.

I should say that it is nearly 10 years now since my father died. For those 10 years my mother has lived in the old house, and maintained it. But she has felt over the past months that the time has come to move on; to simplify her life. So to-day has been a particularly significant day in the story of our family.

Don't blog when drunk

So I'm blogging now, before I drink any more.

To-day, I've driven 60 miles. I took my daughter to her ballet class; later, collected her and brought her home. This afternoon I drove my son to the next town, met my wife and daughter there, and we bought shoes for each of our children, before 'doing a shop' in the supermarket. Then I drove everyone home.

We bought a DVD for our son in the supermarket. When we got home, the DVD wouldn't play in his DVD player, so I drove back to the supermarket, and exchanged the DVD. The second DVD also didn't play in his DVD player, but it does play in the DVD player in the lounge (so I guess that the first one would have played in the lounge also - I tried to phone the supermarket to impart to them this gem of information, but the only number I could get for the supermarket was an 0845 number, which didn't seem to be taking me to the actual store, so I abandoned that attempt).

I do try to minimise our carbon footprint, but not one of the trips I made to-day was because I wanted to ...

Fireworks

An early, municipal celebration of Guy Fawkes' Night. Daughter was in the lantern parade; son, to get a better view, spent the duration of the display sitting on my shoulders - I spent the duration of the display wishing that I could think of a way to persuade him to come down.

Why

Why do people feel the need to criticise? Are they just trying to underline how good they are? Of course, at times we do go wrong, and somebody who puts us right is doing us a favour, but so much criticism just seems thoughtless, at best, and cruel, at worst.

Hallowe'en

At the last moment, went out with the children - trick-or-treat-ing. People were kind. The funny thing was - there is a cat which has got into the habit of visiting us - it turned up, and tagged along ...

Suddenly, it's dark

The clocks went back on Sunday (reminds me - the central heating is still in summer time), bringing a welcome lightening to the mornings. But my journey home now takes place in darkness.

Loaded performance

I put the radio on in the kitchen; I recognised (eventually) the music - it was Britten's "Cello Symphony". I can't listen to this music without thinking of two things - that the theme of the last movement sounds suspiciously like part of "Three Blind Mice" - and that the piece was introduced to me by a lad who died of an aneurism when he was just 18.

I waited until the end, and was interested to learn that the cellist on this occasion was Alban Gerhardt, whose career I have followed since he was a BBC New Generation Artist, and that the conductor was John Adams, one of the few contemporary composers who can actually write music that I can listen to.

Like a teenager

As my son (who is not yet a teenager) said to me on Friday, "You don't understand my life!"

I've been, with my family, to a ceilidh. Other people appear to enjoy ceilidhs; in fact, to the other people there it probably appeared that I was enjoying myself. But at this point I feel so utterly drained that ... well, you probably don't want to hear the rest. I'm not sick; I'm not ill. It's just that these events work differently for me - I have to put so much effort in that by the end I have nothing left.

I'll be OK; this'll pass. I don't mind enduring something that is recognised as being horrible - like going to the dentist. But it seems so unfair to have to endure something that, I assume, is meant to be fun.

Sometimes Web 2.0 just baffles me

I've just come across picnik, which offers online editing of photos. It looks really nice, and does a good job.

One of my cameras, recently purchased, is an Olympus mu 760 (I believe that in the States it is called a Stylus). On the whole, I'm impressed, but I notice (and this appears to be a 'feature' of Olympus cameras) that the blues are somewhat intense. Until now, and I want to retain the policy, my 365 photos have been unedited, but this makes me wonder ...

Before:


After:

Waterfall

I took this picture several days ago, in a riverside garden in Perth, Scotland.

Another time related question

How are we to start the 'getting to bed' process at 8 o'clock if daughter finishes Guides at 9 o'clock?

A long day

I leave the house at about a quarter to eight in the morning, and get back at around a quarter to seven in the evening - why?

What about

... a stress free evening? (meaning, of course, that this one wasn't - although the whisky helped)

Back to questioning the sustainability of it all

Just about got through the day, though not feeling great, possibly due to a virus, then home to a son who seems determined to be disobedient in every circumstance.

Autumn sunshine

Back to work to-morrow - difficult to think about anything else ...

On the spur of the moment

A letter from our local theatre arrived in the post this morning, encouraging us to come out this evening to a dance performance. At the insistence of our children, we did, and, on the whole, enjoyed the event, especially the second half. Our son attends a hip-hop class, so we hope that he found the experience inspiring.

Footprints on the beach

The good news is ...

My mother phoned us this evening to say that her move went well. She is still living in her old house, but the furniture which is to be in the new house was transferred to-day.

We had a pretty good day, I guess. Maybe not much to show for it, but with school and work starting again next week, to-day was perhaps the last easy day before swinging back to work mode.

Chores

Spent the morning working through the pile of stuff on my desk - I actually think that we've gained control - there are things to be done, but we know what they are. In the afternoon, I helped my daughter with her school project, and then we went food shopping.

Home again

A morning with the children on South Inch; a rather pleasant lunch out; and then a reasonable drive home - the car full (we have taken some stuff away from my mum's house).

A poignant moment earlier this morning, when I came across a box of my father's diaries, and read his entry for the day that my youngest brother was born.

Swimming

Perth has a rather splendid leisure pool; I took the children swimming this morning; this afternoon, we've been helping my mother to get ready for her flitting.

Each to his or her own on Sunday morning

The silvery Tay
Originally uploaded by Glaswegian

Our daughter enjoys church, but our son doesn't. So I dropped my wife and daughter at the church, then took my son on a walk to the top of Kinnoull Hill. I'm attaching an old photo to this blog post; what this photo doesn't make entirely clear is that there is a sheer drop from the hilltop to the river valley below. My son nearly gave me a heart attack as he negotiated a muddy path just inches away from the edge.

It's a long story

I find myself, unexpectedly, with Internet access tonight. Simply, we found that another family was booked to occupy the caravan which we thought that we would be staying in this week. We couldn't face going back home, so here we are at my mother's. I suppose that it is for the best.

Weariness

Too tired even to string a couple of sentences together; I'm going to be offline for a few days - we're off on holiday to-morrow.

Worn out

Helping my daughter with her homework - difficult to strike the right balance - help her, not do it for her!

Another day

Sorry to harp on about tiredness, but it really has been a dominant theme to-day. I made a silly mistake at work, trying to do too many things at once, not too serious, but not something I like to do. And I decided not to attend a leaving do.

On the whole, progress

Our daughter is out this evening; I've been able to spend some time at my desk and at the computer, basically catching up on stuff which needed to be done. My boss (at work) has spoken with the lady from occupational health, and now wants to speak with me. It will be an important meeting, but I'm not looking forward to it. I don't really know where I stand with my present boss - he seems (to me) to be too detached, though I guess that that is just his style.

I feel that I'm doing better at work, but I think that I need more time just to gain some confidence before I try to make any big decisions; I hope that my boss will understand that.

Why am I updating here?

It's a fair question. I have another blog, where I'm part of a community. I'm pretty sure that if I wrote there some of what I'm writing here, it would be read sympathetically. I do know that some people do read what I write here, and I really do appreciate that, too. I suppose that when I post a wiblog, I am conscious that I am contributing. I can't quite let myself go.

What I am trying to do here is simply to write a diary which happens to be online. To-day was tough, because I was tired. But I'm here, and as far as I know I didn't make any terrible mistakes (but I did lose my temper with my son this morning). And I can hear from the living room raised voices, so I'm not the only one who's struggling.

I saw my GP this morning, and was disappointed that she seemed intent on getting me out the door as quickly as she could. I'm not clinically depressed, and she could see that, so I suppose that from her point of view I was just wasting her time.

Harvest thanksgiving

Thankfully, the embarrassment potential of not bringing anything to the harvest thanksgiving service (as happened this morning, because we weren't in church the previous week, and didn't know) is less in our church, where items are placed on the tables before the service, and not carried to the front at some point in the middle. And we enjoyed lunch out in someone's house.

I'm concerned these days, however, that I don't have time to deal with the stuff which is accumulating on my desk.

How can we expect to remain sane?

The children have found a couple of blow-up beds, and are planning to camp tonight in the lounge. I simply don't have a strategy for getting them to sleep at a certain time. Even if I did, I'm too tired to implement it. This is one of the Catch 22s of parenting. At just the point where you really need to be strong and fresh (to get these children to go to bed, and to sleep), you yourself are tired, probably tireder than they are.

Maybe I should just take myself off to bed, and leave them to it ...

Progress

This morning, I saw the occupational health person at work. I'm hoping that she will help me to find a sustainable answer to the work problems which have been troubling me recently.

At this afternoon's team meeting, I volunteered to apply for a team wiki - our workplace are launching a wiki service using Confluence - it makes sense for us to get some experience if our users are likely to be asking us questions - time will tell whether I should have kept my mouth shut!

Our daughter is about to move from Brownies to Guides - she was telling me that she is both excited and sad.

Why can't I?

... put a picture in the middle of a blog entry, like this:

Trying again

Yesterday, Windows Live Writer wouldn't let me upload a photo to Blogger; I've updated Live Writer, and am trying again:

Monday morning

Enjoying the autumn sunshine - not particularly enjoying being at work - there seems to be lots to do - and it's all sorts of different things which don't seem to relate much to each other - difficult to see how to make progress ...

Vogrie House

Actually, the main reason for posting this is to see if I can re-position (or remove) the Picasa icon at the foot.

Red and green

I simply loved the contrast between the colours of the trees. To-day was a classic autumn day - the morning was damp (but not so damp that I didn't manage to cut some grass) - the afternoon bright and clear - I envied the aeroplanes dodging the clouds as they approached Edinburgh Airport.

Waves

My mother-in-law's house is right by the beach; wife wanted to go there yesterday, so son and I had some time on the beach. I'm not sure where the waves were coming from - the sea appeared to be otherwise calm. I thought that there had been a storm at sea, but in retrospect I guess that we may have been experiencing the wake of a fast cruise liner (if that's what it was) which we observed making its way out to sea. Son had a great time dodging the waves.

Later, we moved to the end of the beach where there is a pavilion, with concrete steps down to the sea. There, I wasn't so successful dodging the waves - I got soaked with the spray from a big one which I didn't see coming.

Just to apologise

... for the drama of the two preceding posts. I have issues which I'm working through - I'm sure if you met me, you'd think that I was a well-balanced, stable fellow, just that my blog is a place for me to let some of the darker aspects of me out - and I'm going to try to balance the picture with some brighter posts, honest ...

Follow up

I am absolutely convinced that these feelings are just feelings, and will never be translated into action. They are long standing feelings - it's nothing new - just that I've decided to name and shame them.

In Breathing Space, one of the resources my counsellor pointed me to, there is quoted a statement I've seen elsewhere, and which I have found helpful:

Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain.

And I suppose that I am learning to translate, "I want to kill myself," into something more manageable, along the lines of, "I am in a situation which I can't cope with - I need to detach myself," or, to be honest, frequently, "I'm dealing with a person who frightens me."

So, in fact, right now, I am still feeling much better, and more in control, than I have done for a long time. I am definitely in recovery, and need to keep on taking steps that will bring me to a more open place - the next step is to speak with the GP who signed me off for a week, to say what progress has been made, and to discuss what resources might be available to help me to continue to make progress. To be honest, to say that I am still looking for help, but that I have a better understanding what help I need, and that I can see a way forward.

And thanks for the hug!

Facing reality

I'm feeling suicidal. I don't think that there is any likelihood of my carrying that feeling through to action, but the feeling is there. And of course, it shouldn't be. Or, at least, we don't want it to be.

Part of the reason, I guess, is that my counselling sessions have finished. They have made a difference. Especially it has helped knowing that I have somebody to talk to. Somebody who will listen.

I haven't implemented any of the suggestions which my counsellor made in the last couple of sessions. There is something to be said for not trying them all at once. So, one at a time. First step, go back to my GP. Bring her up-to-date with what has been happening. Ask her to find out if there are resources - e.g. support groups - locally.

And be honest. I'm still struggling. I don't know if I'm going to make it.

It's been a while

This blog seems to have got lost.

I'm tired. Desperately tired. There's correspondence two months old on my desk waiting for attention; there's dishes to be washed; there's grass to be cut; there's a hedge to be trimmed; there are children to be fed.

Better start with the dishes.

sunset

sunset
Originally uploaded by orkantw8

- beautiful ...

Nimrod On Finals.

Nimrod On Finals.
Originally uploaded by stonefaction

Magnificent picture!

Too much

Too much
Originally uploaded by Glaswegian

Well, I have to be allowed to blog this ...

Last night wasn't too bad

We need to get into some sort of routine, and if it works better when I'm the one putting the children to bed, then that's OK; especially during the summer, when they don't have homework!

Dragging myself on

The morning was tough - trying to make even a little progress on some outstanding issues; I spent the afternoon on the desk; and now on my way home I have to fit in some shopping; eventually, at home, I'm going to have to get the children off to bed (perhaps not on my own, but if there are any problems, I'm the one who seems to have to sort them out).

Threatening storm

The sky is grey; it will soon be raining.

How do we know when a feeling of angst is justified, and when it should be brushed aside?

Not saying anything new

Just affirming that I am still here ...

A bit sad really

We have a family tradition - at the first 'bong' of midnight (31st December), we run to the back door of the house, and open it to let the old year out, then run to the front door, hopefully before the twelfth 'bong', to welcome in the new year. My thoughts concerning the old year, as it went, can be paraphrased as 'good riddance'.

I am encouraged that, as tractorgirl says - the way to heaven can sometimes be through a dung-covered field (I'm paraphrasing, again) - but, somehow, 2006 is going to be remembered as 'not being particularly happy'. Here's to 2007 (which didn't start awfully well - my son got locked in the toilet - thankfully, though, he managed to extricate himself).

Black-lined

Doesn't sound too good, but it is good news. To be black-lined is to be mapped across to the grade in the new system which is equivalent to your former grade in the old system (in the pay modernisation process we have just undergone). Colleagues (not in our team) have been red-circled (which means that their resulting grade is lower than their previous grade - effectively a pay cut, delayed for three years while they try to 'grow their jobs'). I believe that a (small) number of members of our team have been double green-circled (their new grade is two steps above their previous grade).

Shouldn't I be saying 'no'?

Uphill struggle - carrying too much weight - and I've been asked to do something else!

Still trying to get things done

Basically, overwhelmed. I don't want to procrastinate, but simple arithmetic dictates that not every task can be completed to-day. The old way was to keep on saying that the less urgent tasks can be done to-morrow, but then to-morrow comes around, and those delayed tasks are just waiting to bite me. Now, I'm trying to juggle the many tasks which are trying to grab my attention - and somehow select the next task to be tackled on the basis of some sort of priority rating (or just to choose a task which can be done for the sake of doing it, and ticking off one item from the list).

Gulping in air

I feel as if I have just come to the surface, and have a few moments to breathe in oxygen, before plunging back to the deep, to grapple with sea monsters.

New responsibilities are to be welcomed (even against the backdrop of continued uncertainty regarding the outcome of the pay modernisation process). And I'm trying to develop systems for coping with these new responsibilities. It isn't easy.

Getting things done

Greater responsibility means more pressure to get things done. Become interested in David Allen's philosophy. People describe his approach as 'bottom up', which appeals to me; I've always been (even when I didn't recognise it) a 'bottom up' sort of person. It's one of the axes in the Myers-Briggs personality indicator - Sensing would correspond with 'bottom up', while Intuition is more 'top down'.

So, I'm reading the book, and trying to put it into practice. And finding all sorts of interesting tools to help me. And trying to integrate these new ideas with the tools which I already have - Microsoft Outlook on my desktop PC, and iambic Agendus on my Palm. All the while having to actually get things done (split infinitive for emphasis).

Challenging.

Real work

I spent an hour (possibly more) this morning creating a print queue on the college server which we look after.

Not really a story - but it is good to be getting back into harness (and taking on new responsibilities).

What happened?

Apologies to anyone who has been reading this blog for the past few weeks, and is surprised at the disappearance of several posts. I woke up in the middle of Friday night, and thought what might happen if the wrong people saw some of what was written therein.

A daily blog is inevitably raw; if I write about what is happening to me now, then my feelings may still be running high. This is the value of an easily accessible medium - one may, in the traditional phrase, let off steam. It may also be a danger, however, if material composed in anger remains visible. Matters put behind one may be resurrected.

I intend (currently) to persevere nevertheless. The past weeks would have been less bearable without my daily attempts to write something down. I'm sorry that I could not retain the record, but I still think that Saturday's quick removal of the whole story was unavoidable.

Carpe diem

Once, Jesus had the opportunity to heal a man on the sabbath, but was opposed by some pharisees. He could have said to the man, "Come and see me to-morrow." Surely it wouldn't have made a huge difference to the man, and would have kept happy those who wished to defend the sabbath. But, of course, he didn't.

Holiness

Jim Packer, in Keep in Step with the Spirit, mischievously comments that there exists no contemporary account of holiness, so he will perforce write his own. He begins by suggesting that the New Testament view of holiness has two components - the idea of being set apart, and the idea of being morally pure. Coincidentally, I read this passage from Matthew's gospel this morning (Matthew 10:34-39 Msg):

"Don't think I've come to make life cozy. I've come to cut—make a sharp knife-cut between son and father, daughter and mother, bride and mother-in-law—cut through these cozy domestic arrangements and free you for God. Well-meaning family members can be your worst enemies. If you prefer father or mother over me, you don't deserve me. If you prefer son or daughter over me, you don't deserve me.
"If you don't go all the way with me, through thick and thin, you don't deserve me. If your first concern is to look after yourself, you'll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you'll find both yourself and me.

I've always found Jesus' statement disturbing. Is he against families? Jim Packer proposes a paradox: the detachment implied by our being set apart for God enables us to be more loving towards family members, neighbours, friends, etc. Possibly. There is a state called codependency which is regarded as unhealthy; maybe if we are firmly dependent upon God, we can be more real towards our fellow human beings.

Still struggling

This weekend, I wondered if the troubles of the past week might have been a punishment for my less than enthusiastic response to Awakening UK. I was challenged by what happened to the official who responded to Elisha's prophecy of deliverance thus (2 Kings 7:2 Msg):

The attendant on whom the king leaned for support said to the Holy Man, "You expect us to believe that? Trapdoors opening in the sky and food tumbling out?"

to which Elisha responded:

"You'll watch it with your own eyes," he said, "but you will not eat so much as a mouthful!"

There doesn't seem to be a place in the Christian life for honest scepticism (which is what I thought that I was expressing).

Drawing lines in the sand

How do we move forward? Something unfortunate has happened. Maybe it was avoidable; maybe it wasn't. There is a certain amount of anger in the air - maybe on both sides. There have been problems - nagging problems, which I haven't been able to solve - whose presence may have contributed to this particular conflagration.

Who was to blame? Am I (to some degree) at fault? Do I need to change? Do other people need to change (recognising that whatever I think, it is they who must decide the direction of their lives, and how they live them)? Does the situation need to change?

How do I move forward? If I withdraw, behave more coolly, what will be the consequences? What, exactly, does forgiveness mean in this situation?

Is a more radical departure called for? Should I be seriously looking for another job? In the same instituion, or elsewhere?

Betrayal

Psalm 55:12-14 (Msg)

This isn't the neighborhood bully
mocking me—I could take that.
This isn't a foreign devil spitting
invective—I could tune that out.
It's you! We grew up together!
You! My best friend!
Those long hours of leisure as we walked
arm in arm, God a third party to our conversation.

Just possibly

This will get through ... How quickly we unlearn things! It's probably less than a month since I last wrote in Graffiti 1 (Palm's original writing system) and already it feels 'wrong'. Is new always better?

Depth

Was at Awakening 2006 at the weekend. What was it? A concert? A service? A worship event (whatever that is)? I was disappointed. The weather was awful (a not improbable circumstance in this country). My wife did find value in Ruth Graham's testimony. And, yes, it was OK; just that, basically, she and Mark Stibbe told us of occasions when God met with them. Great! I'm happy for them. But why did I stand in the pouring rain? I wouldn't have minded a meeting with God.

If I want to meet with God, I find a quiet corner, open a bible (which usually means, start up a bible reader on my PDA), read, and pray. Crowds do not help.

I should say, though, that the highlight of the afternoon was definitely the session by Ian White and High Voltage. I probably shouldn't be singling out any one performer for praise, but the assurance of the 11 year old drummer (Harrison White) was truly amazing.

Where are we?

There is a verse which has always (since I first heard it (or, rather, sang it) in Ralph Vaughan Williams' Dona Nobis Pacem) had a certain resonance for me:

Jeremiah 8:20: The harvest is past, the summer is ended, and we are not saved.

(I have linked to The Message, and quoted from The Authorised Version.)

Here in the UK, we are definitely sensing that the summer is over. There is a chill in the air, leaves are changing colour. Soon, we'll be getting up in darkness, eventually getting home from work in darkness. The verse doesn't bite the way it used to. Then I was lamenting my singleness; now I have a family - that makes a huge difference. Life is difficult, but I don't feel, as I did then, that it lacks purpose.

There, I started with a doleful verse, and I seem to have cheered myself up!

Energy

I have a son, who is 6 years old; he has plenty of energy, which he doesn't always expend in the most constructive of ways. But, of course, he is my son, and I love him.

I thought that I'd have a look in the Bible for places where God's relationship with us is likened to that of a parent's with his (or her) child. And since I've been reading recently through the book of Malachi, that's where I started. And I came across Malachi 3:17. God says, "I treat them with the same consideration and kindness that parents give the child who honors them." Not quite the unconditional love that some speak of. We should expect respect from our children (seeking, of course, at all times to deserve it).

Conflict

For various reasons, I've been thinking about conflict - and how to resolve conflicts. I'm not considering deep-seated enmity, rather how people who love each other, but differ on how to tackle a certain problem area, can find common ground, and move forward. But as a commentary on how even long standing disputes can sometimes be ended by the application of kindness, here is the happy ending to a story from the Old Testament (preached on by our minister just yesterday), (quoting 2 Kings 6:23 (Msg), but the link takes you to the whole story):

So he prepared a huge feast for them. After they ate and drank their fill he dismissed them. Then they returned home to their master. The raiding bands of Aram didn't bother Israel anymore.

Law and Grace

Just been reading a poem by Iain Crichton Smith, entitled The Law and the Grace. It makes me think of how the Scots do religion - the minister in his black gown - a sense that God is frowning.

Does God sometimes smile? But is it always through the gloom and the rain?

First love

When John warns the Ephesians that - you walked away from your first love - I have had a picture of someone whose initial enthusiasm for the faith has worn off - the honeymoon period is over. But I learnt this morning that most scholars believe that the love referred to is for one another - that the members of this church no longer love each other as they used to.

Love for God, love for Jesus, love for my brothers and sisters in the faith - all, of course, are interlinked. And feelings do rise and fall. Also, initial impressions don't always last. I find myself coming back to the need to think of love, not as an emotion, but as determination - to go on loving - to go on desiring the best for the beloved.

But what about realism? What about discovering that the effusive welcome one received when one joined a particular church doesn't go deep? What about common sense?

Tender loving care

A phrase from this morning's reading caught my attention. In Deuteronomy 10:15 (Msg), Peterson has Moses say:

it was your ancestors who God fell in love with

I guess that it is difficult to render a Hebrew thought in English, and not being a Hebrew scholar myself I have no particular insight, but the image appears to be of a man falling in love with a woman, and marrying her. And perhaps it is fair to observe that in the human situation what starts as an emotional attachment needs in the long run to be bolstered with vows - a declared intention to go on loving, come what may.

Love as faithfulness

Just checking in briefly. And recalling a talk given to Aberdeen Christian Union wherein the speaker commented that the Hebrew word hesed, which in the Authorised Version of the bible is often translated loving kindness, carries the idea of loyalty. It is an operation of the will, not an emotion. So if God says - I do this because I love you - he isn't necessarily saying - because I think you're a nice person (or people) - he is affirming that he has decided to love us - his love towards us is fixed because, yes, he has chosen us (which might have been because he likes us, but I doubt it), but more, simply, because he has decided to do so. He has made a decision, and he isn't going to change his mind.

Commanding love

Thinking about love, and in particular God's command that we should love him:

Deuteronomy 6:4,5 (NIV): Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.

What does God mean when he tells us that we must love him? I can't tell you to love me. I could ask you, or I could try to earn your love. I would think it presumptuous to tell you to love me. Of course, it's difficult to have this discussion in English. Hebrew has how many words for love? And Greek, of course, famously, has four (as expounded by CS Lewis in 'The Four Loves'). I suspect that the kind of love which God seeks from us is more an act of will than an emotion.

Does it help to think of God as a jealous husband? One who has chosen us, who has claimed us, who requires us to be faithful. We love him, who first loved us.

Laws

The ten commandments were given to the people of Israel, redeemed from slavery in Egypt. Naively, I would think of these rules as indicating the people's side of the bargain. They were to obey God, but not in the sense of a servant doing the day-to-day bidding of a master or mistress, or a robot controlled by the transmitter in its creator's hand. The ten commandments were a framework, a broad set of rules, defining what it meant to be a citizen of the new dispensation.

We have moved on, haven't we? It would be difficult to summarise Jesus' attitude to the laws of the Old Testament. In one respect he made them even more difficult to follow, internalising their requirements. 'Thou shalt not kill', but you must not even harbour angry thoughts towards your brother. Elsewhere, though, he seems to relax their hold - the Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.

I think that I grew up believing that the ten commandments were absolute. Thousands of years old, perhaps, but still with an iron grip. I don't know, however, if that is the attitude of Christians to-day, or the church. I wonder if we can be inconsistent though - ignoring one commandment when it suits us, and trotting out another when we wish to make a judgement.

Signs of the covenant

If you and I reach an agreement, we shake hands. If we want to make it a bit more formal, we create a document, and sign it. The old covenant had its signs. To signify that you had become a member of the covenant people (if you were male), you were circumcised. Beyond the initial sign, as a member of the covenant people, you took part in rituals - sacrifices, festivals. As I believe Isaiah pointed out somewhere, however, it was possible to be scrupulous (and enthusastic) about maintaining the outward symbols of the relationship, while inwardly ignoring its fundamental requirement - obedience.

The new covenant, the covenant of grace, also has its signs. The initiation rite is baptism (an obvious difference appears immediately - a day after your baptism, there may be no visible evidence of what has happened, whereas circumcision leaves a scar). I submit to baptism to signify (among other things) that I am joining the community of believers. As I continue in the faith, I participate in its activities. I would suggest that communion (or the eucharist) is the action (more than any other) which signifies the renewal and continuation of my acceptance of God's promise.

Of course, different denominations do communion differently. As I find myself once more in the Church of Scotland, I am aware that the way that things are done does influence the way that I think about the whole thing. The CofS takes communion just three or four times a year. It becomes (has, for me, therefore, always been) impossible to think of communion as sustaining my daily (or even weekly) life as a Christian. Indeed, I lived through presumably my formative years as a Christian without being allowed to take communion - I 'joined' the church aged eighteen. I sometimes wonder if those with authority in the church ever think to decipher the messages they send by the rules they apply.

The new covenant

OK, I'm floundering here. The old covenant is easy to understand, but, as it turned out, impossible to implemement. Human frailty means that people will always fail to keep their side of the bargain. So, what is the new covenant which replaces the old one? Is it the promise in Jeremiah of hearts of flesh to replace hearts of stone? Is it the giving of the Holy Spirit, to enable us to become better people, worthy of God's blessing?

When I become a Christian, I accept Christ's sacrifice to deal with past sins. But what of future sins? Under the old code, there was an ongoing system of sacrifices, to deal with sins. If I, at the end of the day, confess my sins, do I automatically know God's forgiveness? Can I be sure that I have been forgiven?

Covenants

From the 100-Minute Bible (5 The giving of the Law):

God made a covenant with the people of Israel; he would care for them, and they would obey his commandments.

I suspect that, for many of us, subconsciously perhaps, this is still our agreement with God. We shall do our best, to keep his laws, to help other people, and in return, we expect him to look out for us. If something bad happens to us (or someone we know, or know of), our first question is 'why?' And, for myself, I wonder if God is punishing me for some wrongdoing. And when we hear of natural disasters, we comment on the injustice - why were these people singled out?

Of course, I'm touching on a huge, and difficult topic. I just want to consider one tiny aspect of the question. Do we (believers, Christians) live under the old covenant (we do our part, God does his), or have we grasped the new covenant? Or do elements of the old covenant still apply under the new? Does God punish wrongdoing? Do we experience what some people call chastisement? Does God deal with us as a parent deals with a child? And if God is prepared to deal severely with us, to purge us of wrongdoing, should parents have freedom (and backing) on occasion to deal severely with their children?

Was God watching over me?

This morning, I deleted a user's local email folders. Over a gig (1 gigabyte) of data, almost certainly irreplaceable. I didn't mean to, of course.

But for this particular user, some months ago, I set up a backup procedure, which meant that these folders were backed up last night (I certainly hope they were - now I'm not quite sure). When I started writing this entry, I thought that I had managed to retrieve the files from a recent backup, but, sadly, it looks as though the backup hasn't run since March of this year. So, I have lost possibly 3 months' worth of emails.

Maybe I should be leaving God out of this debacle. It's been a disaster; it could have been worse. My fault, I suppose, for not taking an immediate backup before doing anything with someone's data.

Coincidence

I'm at work. Quite frankly, I wasn't getting much rest at home, and if I hadn't come into work to-day, I wouldn't (as I think I mentioned earlier) have been able to speak to my acting manager before he goes on holiday. Our son is still not well; indeed, my wife isn't 100%, so, conveniently, she is at home. I do wonder whether, when Tony Blair (I always hold him personally responsible) says that he wants both parents to be at work, he considers the possibility that sometimes family members are ill - even one family member being ill puts a stress on the system - the simple, bottom line is that one person being ill means that somebody else has to look after that person - but that somebody else isn't regarded as being ill, so they have a finite number of days which they are allowed to use for the purpose - so, I imagine, Mr Blair has worked out a way to limit the number of days that a person is going to be ill in a year - otherwise, things, eventually, are going to break.

So, in this particular nuclear family, we have three members below par.

I have learned that the email upgrade (which I also mentioned earlier) is being postponed again. On the whole, I am relieved. Perhaps this news represents what my wife would call 'an answer to prayer'. The removal of just one source of stress has to be welcome.

Well ...

Son's dental problems turned out to have a benign cause - there are teeth coming through, causing a certain amount of pain. But he's 'no weel', and neither is his dad.

The difficulty for me is that at work there is an impending crisis. This weekend, an upgrade is being performed on our email service, which may mean that some people won't be able to access their email on Monday. So they'll contact their User Support Team, of which three senior members will be on holiday (good / bad timing). If I'm not back at work to-morrow, I shan't have an opportunity to speak with my acting manager. I suppose that I've got a pretty good chance of being back at work by Monday, but it isn't likely to be pleasant diving in without a bit of time to prepare. I don't know if I am to be personally in charge (if I'm there), or sharing the leadership with a colleague. Either way, this is not a good time to be off sick.

Cue some thoughts about God's power being made perfect in weakness ...

You took the words right out of my mouth!

And the moral dilemmas continue. I'm off work to-day, with a sore throat. My son has been complaining of a sore mouth, and has an appointment to see the dentist. Because he's also generally unwell, I'm driving him and his mother (and our daughter) to the dentist's surgery, instead of expecting them to make a somewhat arduous bus journey. Needs must ...

unSelfishness

A question - possibly rhetorical - if we try too hard to be unselfish, might we put ourselves under so much stress that we, eventually, break, thus spoiling the point somewhat?

But ...

What I have just written is more or less what I was taught as a youngster, and what I've been more or less (sometimes, notably less) happy with since then. For example, as a teenager, I read somewhere that you could only properly experience salvation when you came to an end of yourself. You had to try to 'go it alone', and fail, before you could honestly say that you'd called out to Jesus and been saved. I know that this sounds silly, but it was a real problem for me as a teenager. And you can see how it might follow from a misunderstanding of the principle that God saves those who have accepted that they are unable to save themselves.

I have seen the same argument applied to addictions such as alcoholism. It is the experience of many that before they can begin to find healing they have to 'hit bottom'. And that on the way down there may be occasions when they try to turn from the drink (or whatever), and fail, because they are doing so partly as an effort of will. Alcoholics Anonymous recognise the need to acknowledge a Higher Power; Christians may call that Power, 'God', and say that they are saved by God, and not by their own efforts.

Again, I feed back into my own experience, to a particular meeting when I was, I guess, 18 years old, struggling with all sorts of issues. The meeting took place, significantly, not in my own church, but in another of the same denomination, in the same town. I can identify the speaker - I'm not sure that I should. His intention (I guess), was that we should become Christians. Later, a conversation took place with my own minister during which my minister indicated that he was hurt by the suggestion that I needed to 'become' a Christian; wasn't I already one by virtue of attending his church?

Anyway, I can remember little of what the speaker said (except, possibly, some biographical information; this was probably where I first heard his life story), except the climax - the punchline, if you like. He asked us (rhetorically) what we would say when we met Jesus in the afterlife. Would we say, "I did my best"? I sat there, thinking, fair enough. "Wrong," he thundered. We should throw ourselves abjectly at Jesus' feet and claim nothing but his blood for our salvation. I paraphrase, but this is pretty well what was said. And, of course, theologically, he's right. But psychologically? I have never since been able to say, "I did my best," without thinking that I should be saying something else. It seems to destroy any point of trying at all. Shouldn't we just sit back and be saved?

I went forward at the end of the meeting. Sadly, the counsellor who dealt with me didn't understand that I had come to an end of myself, and was acknowledging my need of salvation. I came away, eventually, with a short bible reading course to do (ironically - I was already doing daily bible readings with Scripture Union). Actually, I didn't come away with anything. I gave them my address, and they sent me by post a series of leaflets which were, in effect, encouraging me to read the bible. And they contacted my minister, hence the conversation alluded to earlier.

What I am trying to say is this. We are all different. We have all walked different journeys. Your experience is not necessarily my experience. And, perhaps unfortunately, it is the most dramatic experiences which get remembered. But just because my experience has lacked drama, it isn't any less real. You may have needed to experience utter degradation; you may have slept rough (actually, I did sleep rough once, because I thought that only those who had nothing, not even a roof over their heads, could be saved); but that doesn't mean that degradation is a necessary step along the way.

Again, I suppose, it's case of - thanks be to God for his indescribable gift ...

Absolutely

And the last thing I want to do is to come up with a seventh. If you will forgive me, what I intend to try to do is to use this blog as thinking space. What I write may (certainly will) be incomplete, unclear - more a succession of thoughts than an exposition. Some years ago, I was staying at Carberry Tower, and came across in the library a book called "Markings", by Dag Hammarskjold. I may regard that book as my inspiration.

I am doubly inspired, now, to have read in the related Wikipedia article that Hammarskjold's book talks about an "inner journey", because, coincidentally, Jim Packer has been using a similar phrase, the "inward journey", to describe the life that we live to God and ourselves, as opposed to the life we live to the world around us, and to other people, in the very passage of "Keep in Step with the Spirit" that I was reading as I ate my macaroni cheese and chips (comfort food, I know).

So much for the bread - where's the meat in the sandwich? Romans 3:21-31 is the crucial passage where Paul turns from his litany of human woes and failings to put forward God's answer. I would say that it isn't until the 5th chapter that, gloriously, we hear the trumpets resound, but here, in the 3rd chapter is, perhaps, the first statement of a theme which is to be developed further. The old way has failed. What was the old way? I suppose - obeying the law. I'm reminded of the young man who said to Jesus that he had faithfully kept all of the commandments, and yet Jesus observed that something was missing.

So what is the new way? Is it that we, finally, admit that we cannot do it ourselves? Do we arrive at a moment (like when an alcoholic hits bottom, and finally accepts that he has a problem) when we turn to God, and cry, "help"? Does it matter if we understand how God is able to help us? Isn't it more important that we simply realise that he wants to help us?

Thank God for this gift, his gift. No language can praise it enough!

A short overview of Paul's letter to the Romans

We're all bad, hopelessly bad. But God has provided a way for us to become good. Ah, but here's the rub - we become good by putting our faith in Jesus Christ. Except that if you ask four different Christians just what that means, you'll get four different answers.